When Your Child Refuses School or Activities: How to Support Them Without Damaging Your Relationship
If your child suddenly refuses school, PE, swimming lessons, or a club they usually attend, it can be incredibly stressful as a parent.
Your mind races:
What if I make this worse?
Should I push them through it?
What if I let them avoid it and reinforce the fear?
This is especially common for deep feelers - children with sensitive nervous systems who experience emotions more intensely and struggle with transitions, uncertainty, and perceived pressure.
In this post, I want to share a real-life parenting moment, alongside practical, compassionate strategies you can use to help your child move through resistance without breaking trust or connection.
A Real-Life Example: When My Child Didn’t Want to Go In
Recently, my daughter resisted going into school for PE.
Instead of persuading, explaining, or trying to rush her through the fear, I paused and said:
“You don’t feel like going in for PE today, I hear you.”
That sentence mattered more than any explanation I could have given. Here are the steps I followed…
1. Regulating Your Emotions First
When a child resists school or activities, it often triggers panic, frustration, or urgency in parents.
Before supporting your child, it’s important to notice:
The tightness in your chest
The urge to fix or control
The fear of “getting it wrong”
By acknowledging your own emotions internally and slowing your body down, you prevent your nervous system from escalating the situation further.
This might look like:
Lowering your voice
Softening your posture
Taking one slow breath before responding
A calm adult nervous system is one of the strongest tools for supporting an anxious child.
2. Validating Feelings Without Trying to Talk Them Away
Many parents unintentionally dismiss feelings by explaining why they “aren’t true”:
“You’ll be fine once you start.”
“You enjoyed it last week.”
“There’s nothing to worry about.”
While well-intentioned, this can make children feel misunderstood and alone with their fear.
Instead, validation sounds like:
“I hear you.”
“Something about this feels hard today.”
“It makes sense that you’re struggling.”
Validation does not mean agreeing with avoidance.
It means acknowledging the emotional experience so your child feels safe enough to move forward.
3. Redirecting Focus to Help the Brain Exit the Loop
When children are anxious or resistant, their brain often gets stuck in a loop of fear or anticipation.
Once your child feels heard, you can gently redirect their focus:
Naming the next small step
Shifting attention to the body or environment
Offering a simple, neutral question
This helps the brain move out of threat mode and back towards regulation.
Connection first — redirection second.
4. Offering Autonomy to Support Nervous System Safety
In the moment I shared with my daughter, I also offered a small element of choice.
Autonomy sends powerful signals of certainty and control to the nervous system — both of which reduce anxiety.
This might look like:
Choosing what order things happen in
Deciding who walks in with them
Picking a comfort item or ritual
These aren’t bribes — they’re tools to help children feel steady enough to cope.
Why This Approach Works (Especially for Deep Feelers)
When children feel:
Heard
Understood
Emotionally safe
Their nervous system can settle.
And when the nervous system settles, children are far more capable of:
Managing transitions
Facing fears
Following boundaries
Moving forward without force
This is how we keep relationships strong while still guiding our children through hard things.
Support for Parents of Deep Feelers
These are the kinds of real-life, practical strategies I support parents with every day, all tried and tested in my own parenting and my professional work.
If your child:
Resists school or activities
Gets stuck in anxious loops
Fixates on things they can’t have
Has big emotional reactions to transitions
You’re not doing anything wrong.
You just need the right tools, at the right time.
If you’re parenting a deep feeler, you may also find this information useful.
Or reach out, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
