Tantrums: Yes everyone’s looking at you - but what matters is your child
We’ve all heard the advice to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others, and had the importance of self care drilled into us so why is it that when we become a Mum our Mindset changes and we believe that in order to be the best Mum we can be we must put our child’s needs first, at the expense of our own?
At what point do we accept that something needs to change? Is it after the first random bursting into tears? The resentment for our partners who’s lives seem unaffected and continue as normal? Or when we shout at our child who is looking innocently at us for support but we’re just too exhausted to give any more? You are not on your own, and you are not a terrible parent. You are tired, empty and overwhelmed. Not because you don’t care but because you love and care so much for your child that you’ve forgotten to take care of yourself.
If your child is in the throws of a tantrum and things have already escalated then take a deep breath, get down on their level and let them know you are there for them. Then you just ride it out. As long as they are safe, let them experience the emotion and offer yourself to them with open body language. At this point no words are needed because your child’s brain has been completely taken over by the survival system so nothing you say (or anyone else thank goodness) will even be processed. The good news is tantrums show that your child’s brain is developing as it should but try to resist the need to shout this to the oggling bystanders.
Once your child has begun to calm down, you can offer them a hug and perhaps some words of support to validate their emotions and let them know that you are there for them and have their back. For example, Mummy can see that you are feeling sad/angry which is ok and I understand because I would feel sad/angry too if I couldn’t have something I wanted (of course you need to insert the relevant information here). It is then a great opportunity to engage in a hug, hold their hand or provide some sort of physical closeness that keeps you connected. You can then help them off the floor and carry on with your shop (although I would probably make it a quick one now). Ignore the audience who might now be pretending to stare at beans deciding whether they want the supermarket brand or if hoops will do, and distract your child by asking them to find something specific for you, or engaging them in something you know they are interested in. You don’t need to refer to the tantrum again, but if your child was old enough and you felt it was appropriate you could talk about the feelings involved (perhaps once back at home and in a comfortable environment for them) and discuss how else we can get our emotions out such as breathing or counting. This could be done indirectly via role play so that your child feels no shame or blame and can be done in a fun way where you can both really explore emotions and different responses.
What is important here is that you remained calm and your child felt that you were there for them. You also helped them to label their emotions and validated how they were feeling which helps to keep you connected but also gives your child the message that feelings and emotions are ok. Well done Mumma you just successfully survived a tantrum! Time for a well deserved chocolate biscuit I think (eaten half hidden in a cupboard of course).
